Can't Take The Ache From Heartbreak
by PercabethReyPotter
Summary: Kate Beckett's secret is out and Rick Castle is shattered beyond belief.. A story about Caskett post 47 Seconds.
1. Chapter 1

**_Disclaimer: I do not own the song "No Good In Goodbye"or any recognizable characters and dialogues from Castle._**

_Where's the "good" in goodbye?_  
_Where's the "nice" in nice try?_  
_Where's the "us" in trust gone?_  
_Where's the soul in "soldier on"?_  
_Now I'm the low in lonely_  
_Cause I don't own you only_  
_I can take this mistake_  
_But I can't take the ache from heartbreak._

"I was shot in the chest, and I remember every second of it."  
No. No, no, no, no, no. Everything around him was fading away, the people on the other side of the glass seemed so far away.  
"All this time," he breathed to himself, as he felt his heart break into little pieces, "you remembered?"

She knew, and yet she said nothing. She looked him in the eye and lied to his face for nine months. Richard Castle turned and strode out of the observation room, oblivious to his surroundings. He walked past the desk he had sat by for the past four years, past the still warm coffee that sat near her computer, as though mocking the distance he was putting between himself and her.

A storm of rage, betrayal, hurt and sorrow raged inside him, threatening to rip his very being to shreds. How could she have done this to him? If she had only told him that she didn't feel the same, he would have understood. He would have accepted it and gone back to being her friend and partner.. Or at least, he would have tried. But in trying to let him down easy, or whatever the hell she thought she was doing, she had hurt him.

He was miserable as he let himself into the silent loft. He made a beeline to his office and shut the door behind him, pausing only to grab a bottle of scotch and a glass. Alexis would be home soon, and he did not want her to see him like this. A closed office door usually meant he was writing, and she would not disturb him there.

He sighed deeply as he sank into his chair, pouring himself a generous glass of the scotch. He tossed back half the glass in a single gulp, wincing as the scotch burnt his throat on its way down. But the burn was nothing compared to the mind numbing pain of his heartbreak. Kyra had walked away from him. He had been left to lick his wounds by both his ex-wives, their numerous affairs making him question his manhood. Every woman since then had been a fling, only interested in his bank balance and media presence, not the real him. And he had learned to live with these shallow relationships, as they were much better than to get hurt again, to be left behind again. And then, she had come into his life. Detective Kate Beckett.

At first she had been just another conquest, a challenge. But then she had intrigued him and amazed him with the depths of her wit, strength, intelligence and heart. And he had fallen again. Harder, far far harder than he ever had before. He had truly believed that she was his one and done. The love of his life. So he waited for her. Through Sorenson, Demming and Josh, he waited for her to realise that he was there for her and that he was more than just her partner. To realise that he loved her with all his heart.

He had fought and clawed for every inch for a foothold in the walls she had built around herself. He brought her coffee everyday and allowed a spark of hope to burn in his chest every time she flirted with him, bantered with him or confided in him. And just when he thought that he might finally have a chance, she had crushed his hopes, his feelings, his heart, all in the space of a few words she had spoken without knowing he was listening.

In those few seconds, she had managed to do what no one, not even Kyra Blaine had done. In those moments, Katherine Beckett had broken him. And it hurt so, so much. The silent tears cascading down his face were a testament to that. The one person he had believed would never let him down, had done just that. And to think that he had almost confessed his feelings for her, before Ryan had interrupted him.

Anger washed over him, a tsunami of emotion inundating his pain, stinging like salt water in a paper cut. He knew he was not perfect. He knew that he had made his share of mistakes but he had always been there for Kate, been true to her. When she took off for 3 months, when she came back and told him she needed time, he was ready to wait, ready to give her the time she needed to heal.

He damn well did not deserve what she had done. So now he was done waiting for her. It was time to move on. He would still go to the 12th precinct, but that was only for the work he did there, work which gave his life meaning. Not for her. Or so he would tell himself. She would get what she wanted, a partner. No more and no less, he thought, as the last of he scotch made its way down his throat.

Rick Castle, the man in love with Kate was done. Just done.

**So there we go. Read and review people! and please let me know, should I make this a two-shot with KB POV next or a multi chapter story...? **

**~ Rey =]**


	2. Chapter 2

**Thank you to all the people who have read and reviewed this fic. Criticism and suggestions are always welcome.**

**As always, I do not own any of the recognizable characters or dialogues from **_**Castle **_**or the lyrics of 'I Won't Give Up'.  
**

**So here it is people, chapter two, as promised. This one is from Kate's POV.**

**Read and review guys!**

**~ Rey =)**

* * *

_"I won't give up on us_,  
_ Even if the skies get rough_,  
_ I'm giving you all my love_,  
_ I'm still looking up.."_

_Beckett POV_

Kate Beckett was pacing a hole in the floor of her apartment. She had been at it for half an hour, lost in thought. She felt thoroughly off balance.

Not much agitated her and had her so off kilter and it was killing her. HE was killing her.

Castle had been cool and distant with her, and she couldn't understand why. He had been acting really strange and out of character for a couple of weeks now. The distance between them, the strained feel in their usually comfortable relationship was palpable.

It was making her miserable; it was killing her that he was going so far from her. She just wanted his comfortingly solid presence back. And as she thought for the millionth time, she couldn't fathom the reason behind the sudden aberration in his behaviour. He was pulling away. He NEVER pulled away.

She had watched their relationship grow from annoyer and annoyed, to a tentative partnership, to a friendship and an unbreakable bond of trust and mutual respect and fondness.

And, for as long as she could remember, there were the innuendos, the inappropriate comments, the sneaky peeks or the stares and all the unwanted touching. And she had felt a thrill go through her every time their hands touched or their eyes met. And she knew he felt it too. But it was too real for her, too much. It overwhelmed her, it scared her.

So she ran to other guys, men who would distract her from Castle. And it almost worked, but not quite. No matter whom she had been with, no matter what she said to him, the man had clung to her side like a limpet and just refused to let go. And she saw, and heard, the extent of his feelings for her that day in the cemetery. _"I love you, Kate. Please stay with me."_

His voice had haunted her dreams for many a week. And she had run from it. Because she was damaged goods, she was broken and she didn't want to go there with him without healing first. She had to be a better person before she could let herself be loved. So she lied and she took refuge in her father's cabin. But even after three months of radio silence from her, all it had taken was a short, sincere conversation to dispel his anger and he had come back to her.

But this time, this was different. Just when she had finally been ready to tell him that she loved him too, just when she had allowed the thought of loving him and being loved by him to take seed in her heart, he was walking away.

_I don't blame him. Maybe he just got tired of waiting for me, or maybe… Maybe he realized that I wasn't good enough for him, that he could do much better than me, _she thought. After all, he was a rich, famous, bestselling novelist, who could have any girl he wished. Why would he want to settle for a PTSD riddled, damaged detective with so much of baggage in her past, who only knew how to push him away?

A shot of anger coursed through her. _I told him I needed time, he said he would wait. But I guess he just got bored and went back to his bimbo-on-a-list habits. After all, he is a playboy, and I should have known better than to believe that he had changed. _

The anger drained from her as quickly as it had come. _No. _In the years that Castle had followed her, she had come to know him quite well. And the playboy image was just that, an image. He had always been himself with her and the guys at the precinct. Just a quirky, hyper, and crazy person with a truly good heart and a genuinely warm man.

And she knew that what he felt for her wasn't just some passing thing. He loved her, and the depth of his love was laid out for her to see in his every action, word and in his beautiful blue eyes. He had promised her _Always _and it had been a sincere promise which he truly meant.

So if he was pulling away now, it meant something had happened. Something big. And she would give anything to know what it was right now, except he refused to even talk to her beyond polite acknowledgements unless it was regarding a case. She had tried to start a conversation in the car, or invite him for drinks after a case, hoping that he would be himself again, but no avail. He always made excuses, not even bothering to be convincing about it. And every time she looked into his eyes, she found them clouded with hurt, anger and… betrayal?

But it only lasted for a second before a smooth mask hid everything he was feeling behind a calm and nonchalant facade. And he was so… flippant and indifferent about everything. Indifference. That's what hurt her the most in all this. She had been on the receiving end of a plethora of emotions from him, of big smiles, or sulky pouts, or teasing grins, or abject confusion, or even a simmering anger. But never indifference.

_Enough with the pity party Kate, _she thought, resolutely wiping away the tears from her face. There was nothing to be gained by her speculating or theorizing about this alone. It was clear that there was something wrong, and that that something was as much her fault as his. And she was not going to sit back and let the best thing that had ever happened to her slip away from her like this.

She loved Richard Castle, and she was ready to do anything in order to get him back.


	3. Chapter 3

**Hey guys! So here is Chapter Three! A huge thank you to all the people who have read and reviewed!**

**Special shout out to BigKahuna and ZingerCaskett for their thoughts.. =)**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Castle or the lyrics of **_**Trying Not To Love You.**_

**So here goes.. Enjoy!**

**~Rey**

_"You call to me, and I fall at your feet_  
_How could anyone ask for more?_  
_And our time apart, like knives in my heart_  
_How could anyone ask for more?_

_But if there's a pill to help me forget,_  
_God knows I haven't found it yet_  
_But I'm dying to, God I'm trying to_

_'Cause trying not to love you, only goes so far_  
_And trying not to need you, is tearing me apart."_

It had been two weeks since his world had come crashing down around his ears and Castle found that his mother was right. Love was not a switch that could be turned on and off.  
Beckett, judging by her actions, had realised that something was amiss, and she was making every effort possible to get him alone, probably to talk to him. Well, that ship had sailed _and _sunk. The time for talking was long gone. If she had wanted to talk, she should have done so before using his feelings as an interrogation technique on a suspected bomber.

Every time she tried to start a conversation, he brushed her off, and not too subtly at that. And she noticed it. But she still wouldn't give up. The ego boost from having a famous author follow you like a puppy was probably too precious for her to lose. Ok, that was harsh of him, but what else was he to think? Every day at the precinct was a struggle for him, as he constantly battled his confused feelings. And it was wearing him out.

As much as he wanted to be at the 12th every day, helping the boys and Ka-Beckett bring justice to people, he knew that, for the sake of his sanity, he needed a break. From her, from the precinct, from the old familiars, all of it.  
_Paula and Gina have been bugging me to go on a promotional countrywide book signing tour for a while now,_ he thought. They felt that since his shadowing of Beckett began, he hadn't made enough publicity appearances and wanted him to do a one month tour to promote Heat Rises.  
He had been putting off the tour for over two months now, because he didn't want to leave her side.

He had thought about the last time he had left, for the Hamptons, and what that had done to them. He didn't want anything to create even the smallest of cracks in the bond that he shared with Kate. _Bit too late for that now, eh?_ he thought wryly, as he meandered despondently through the loft, looking for his phone.

It was the perfect excuse. The boys wouldn't be mad at him for leaving for a month if he told them he absolutely had to go, that it was in his contract. Captain Gates he would have to persuade into keeping his spot for him after a month. As for Beckett, well, she had been just fine for years before him and, given how he knew she felt now, she would probably be glad for the month's space.

Finally finding his phone, he dialled Paula's number and waited for her to pick up.  
"Rick. So you have finally deigned to return my calls." came Paula's slightly nasal voice over the phone.  
"Right, sorry about that Paula. I had some... stuff I had to take care of."  
"I see. Well..? What is it you called me about, Rick?"  
"Yeah , about that... Remember that book tour you and Gina have been bugging me about...?"

A few minutes later, he hung up feeling satisfied. Paula was elated at what he had to say. The book tour was on. He would leave the next day to Chicago, the first stop on his tour, and Paula would mail him the rest of his schedule by the evening.  
That had been the easy part.

Just then, his phone chimed. It was a message from Beckett. The APB on the killer in their latest case had turned him up near an abandoned building in Washington Heights.

He sighed as he tugged on his blazer to go to the precinct for the closure of yet another case. 'Now for the hard part.' he thought.

**There we are! I know it's a short chapter, but it felt right to end it here.**

**Read and review!**


	4. Chapter 4

**Hey everyone,**

**So here is the next chapter.. Big thank you to all who have read, reviewed, followed and favourited!**

**As always, I do not own any recognizable character or dialogue from _Castle._**

**Rey**

* * *

"Hey Castle, I'm going to go make myself a coffee, to tide me over the paperwork," started Beckett, with a hesitant look on her face, "You want some?"  
Castle looked up from his intense game of Angry Birds at his place by her desk. _By her desk, like a pet puppy, _he thought wryly to himself.

"No thanks, Beckett, I'm good here." he replied, a polite mask over his face. He saw her face fall ever so slightly at his coolness, like it had so many times before, but he ignored the twinge of guilt he felt, and returned to his game.  
"Okay, then." she said, pushing back her chair from the desk.

As he watched her straighten and stretch a little before striding towards the break room, he realised that this was a perfect opportunity to speak to the Captain regarding his... leave of absence. The boys were still in booking with their murderer and, knowing the battle that Beckett fought with the coffee machine every time she tried to make herself a cup, she would be a while.

So he rose out of his seat, pocketing his phone, walked over to the Gates' office door, knocked and waited.  
"Come in." said the Captain, not looking up from the file on her table.  
"Uhh.. Captain Gates?" said Castle, shifting slightly from foot to foot. Now that he was here, he was suddenly scared she would take this opportunity to send him away for good.

Gates looked up, peering over the rim of her glasses, surprised.  
"Mr. Castle. To what do I owe this pleasure?" she questioned.  
"Uhh sir, there was something I wanted to speak to you about." he began.  
"Well, spit it out Mr. Castle. Some of us have actual work to do, with an actual deadline." came the sharp reply from Gates.

"Well sir, actually, it is about some 'actual' work that I came to speak to you about." said Castle, bristling ever so slightly at her implication but being careful not to show it. He did want a favour from her, after all.  
"You see, there is a clause in my publishing contract which states that there are a certain number of public appearances and book tours that I have to do every year, failing which I can be sued to the tune of seven figures by the publishing house."

Gates merely raised her brow at him, silently telling him to continue.  
"It so happens that one such event is a country wide promotional book signing tour that begins... well, tomorrow."  
"And what, Mr. Castle, you require my permission, is that it?" asked Gates.  
"Well in a manner of speaking, sir. You see, the tour goes on for around about a month. And I wish to return to the precinct in my current role at the end of this month. So with your blessing, sir..."

He trailed off at the slight glint in the Captain's eye. He didn't know if that was a good sign or a bad one.  
"Ahh, so you want me to not take this chance to kick you out of the precinct, eh?" Gates caught on.  
Castle nodded wordlessly.

"Well Mr. Castle," she began, ominously in his opinion, as she took off her glasses and set them on the table before continuing.  
"I will be the first person to confess that I was never a fan of your presence at the 12th. Your inane theories, or your ridiculous antics and the sheer chaos that you dragged into my precinct, has often left me this close," she brought her thumb and index finger a hair's breadth apart to illustrate her point, "this close to kicking you out. The work we do here is serious and I didn't want your 'tomfoolery' to distract my detectives from their jobs."

As she was about to continue, Castle interrupted her. "Captain, I may be an immature, cocky, pain in the ass at times," he began in his most solemn and sincere voice, "but rest assured, I do know the importance of the work that is done here every single day. When I started out, the first few days, I dug into the story and the background of the victims, suspects as well as Detective Beckett, purely for material for my book. Research.  
But then I started to see more and watch less. And I saw the devastation, the pain that the victims' families went through. I saw the twisted reasoning behind the horrific things people did to one another. I saw what it meant to your people, every single one of them, when the killers were caught. And most importantly, I saw the closure that bringing the killer to justice brought to the families and the crippling burden they were left to carry without that closure."

His eyes darkened momentarily as he remembered the pain in Kate's eyes whenever her mother's murder was brought up, a reminder of the cross she bore day in and day out, without letting it affect her work.

"Captain, before I came to this precinct, I thought I had everything. A beautiful daughter, a wonderful career, millionaire status, and all the comfort and luxuries I could ever want. But the 12th, these past four years, have given my life something more precious than most things in world. Meaning. And being here, this small role I play in the work your detectives do, is the most meaningful role I have ever played in my life, apart from that of father."

His words finally spent, he fell silent. After a minute of silence, he began to panic just a little. Gates' face was blank, he couldn't get a read off of her. 'If she wants to kick me out, she will do it, no matter what I say or do.' he thought to himself.  
Finally, the captain broke the silence.

"Well Mr. Castle, you do have a way with words, I will give you that. It is frankly quite a refreshing change to see this more... mature side of you, if I may. And I am glad that you understand the gravity of your role as well as your priorities when it comes to shadowing my detectives. However, you interrupted me earlier." The glint in her eye was back and was definitely more pronounced.

"I was never a fan of yours Mr. Castle and that hasn't changed all that much. However, I have seen the numbers. The closure rates of Detective Beckett's team have climbed from their already impressive numbers since your arrival at the precinct. Also, I was previously in Internal Affairs, Mr Castle and as such I did come to know about Detective Beckett's circumstances and, quite frankly, I was a little worried.  
It's a hard job, and the last thing I need is for any of my people to burn themselves out or get sidetracked. You have helped with that greatly. All in all, from what I have seen so far, the pros ever so slightly outweigh the cons in your case.  
So what I'm saying, Mr Castle, is that you may go. Your position as a consultant will be intact upon you arrival. God knows I could do with a break from your shenanigans." she finished, a small smile on her face.

Just as Castle was about to thank her she held up a finger in the air. "Having said that Mr Castle, it will be your duty to inform all three detectives about your plans. I doubt they are going to be too pleased."  
The smile on Castle's face faded, as he gulped. Tell them was one thing he was not looking forward to.

_Get a grip Castle,_ he thought to himself. It had to be done.  
Thanking Gates profusely, he made his way out of her office, wondering how to tell he others.

The woman he left behind in the office shook her head resignedly as she put on her glasses and returned to file before her. To think that two people who were so astute and intelligent could be so dense...

Standing by her desk, coffee cup in hand, Beckett watched as Castle exited her boss' office and made his way to the men's room, in the opposite direction to where she was. She had opted for the simplest coffee that that accursed machine could make and so had returned in record time. She had thought she would try to speak to Castle again while the boys were gone.

So she was a little surprised when she returned to a Castle-less chair by her desk. A casual sweep of the precinct with her eyes had told her he was in Gates' office. He seemed to be having a serious discussion with her, from what she could see.

A knot of tension settled in her stomach. What could they be talking about? And why was it freaking her out just a little bit?  
Whatever it was, it couldn't be anything good. Not if Gates and Castle were having such a serious conversation.

Well, there was no use breaking her head over it, whatever 'it' was. Despite the recent situation, she was sure Castle would tell her what the problem was. He was still her partner after all.  
Sighing, she took a deep drink from her rapidly cooling coffee and set it down, trying to concentrate on the paperwork she had been doing.

_At least I think he will tell me_.

* * *

**So there we are.. Hope you liked that one!  
**

** Please tell me what you thought..**

**~Rey**


	5. Chapter 5

_**Hey everyone,**_

_**Sorry for the delay… Without further ado, I present Chapter 5.**_

_**Disclaimer: I do not own Castle or the lyrics of ****Just Give Me A Reason.**_

_**~Rey**_

* * *

"_Right from the start  
You were a thief  
You stole my heart  
And I your willing victim  
I let you see the parts of me  
That weren't all that pretty  
And with every touch you fixed them_

_Now you've been talking in your sleep, oh, oh_  
_Things you never say to me, oh, oh_  
_Tell me that you've had enough_  
_Of our love, our love"_

It was late evening, and the boys were back in the bullpen, lounging around their desks. From the looks of it, Beckett was also almost done with her paperwork.  
_Time to bite the bullet, Rick._ thought Castle to himself.

"Hey Ryan, Espo!" he called, waving them over when they looked up questioningly at him.  
At his side, a curious Beckett also lifted her head slightly. _Gosh, she got the most adorable crinkle between her brows when she- No. Stop Rick.  
_  
"Sup Castle?" asked Espo, mercifully distracting him.  
"Yeah Castle, what's going on?" asked Ryan, quirking a brow in his direction as the partners reached Beckett's desk.  
Neither of the detectives had missed the strong undercurrent of tension in the past weeks between their boss and her partner, and it had affected them too. They were all a family, after all, and no one likes it when mom and dad fight.

"We-ell," began Castle in a slight singsong, attempting to be his old light and jovial self, "I was wondering if the finest detectives in New York would care to join me for a drink at the Old Haunt after the paperwork chore is through with. Mother is at a soirée which, knowing her, is gonna end in a walk of shame, and Alexis is out too. The evening is much too fine for me to enjoy alone.. So what say, boys? ... And girl?" he asked, wiggling his eyebrows at them.

"Yeah cool, Castle!"  
"First round's on you bro."  
"Great! And you, Detective Beckett? Can we buy you a drink?" asked Castle, suave as ever.

"Sure Castle, I don't see why not.." came the nonchalant reply, although inside her head, Kate's cogs were whirring.  
_ Maybe he's gonna tell us what's wrong.._

"Lovely," said the man in question clapping his hands together. "Hurry up then, so we can get outta here!" he exclaimed, as he plopped back into his chair and pulled out his phone.

A few minutes of silence later...  
"Hey Castle, we're all done with our paperwork.. You, Beckett?" said Ryan.  
"One minute guys, almost there.. Aaand done." she said, signing her name with a flourish before shutting the file before her with a snap.  
The foursome headed out of the precinct, and reached the Old Haunt half an hour later.

As Ryan and Espo began to head to their usual table, Castle waved them in the direction of the office.  
"It's too loud up here guys, I need some peace after today," he said, by way of explanation.  
Espo's eyes narrowed. They'd been in their usual booth on days when there were far more patrons in the bar, and it had never seemed too much for Castle.

Still.. _The man must have a reason. And even if he don't, he owns the place. So butt out, Javi._  
Hmm.. Was it just him or did that sound suspiciously like Lanie?  
He shook his head a bit. _Nahhh.  
_  
They gave their orders to Bryan and went down into the marked quiet of Castle's office.  
Beckett was suspiciously silent. As far as Esposito could tell, she seemed... Anxious. Like she was waiting for the other shoe to drop.

The four of them took their places in Castle's office, the poison of their choice cradled in their hands.  
Espo and Ryan settled themselves into the luxurious leather couch Castle had installed for when he would work late there. Castle sat in the armchair behind his desk, which acted as a buffer between him and the others. Beckett was perched on one of the arms of the couch the boys currently occupied. Her white, clenched hands around her drink the only indication that something was amiss in an otherwise casual, familiar scene.

"So Castle, what's up, bro?" asked Esposito, breaking the silence.  
"What do you mean, Espo, nothing's up." said Castle, stalling for time.  
"Castle, it's us. We know you, alright man? So spit it out." said Ryan, his usually jovial Irish personality uncommonly serious.  
"Alright, alright." said Castle, raising his hands in mock surrender.

Beckett still hadn't said a word.

"Look guys, something has... come up, alright?"  
"What, bro?" asked Espo, cocking a brow.  
"Well... See, I have a contract that I signed with Black Pawn, my publishers. And it mandates, among other things, that I make a certain number of public appearances and book tours."

All the colour had drained from Beckett's face. She took a deep draught from her drink, as though she knew what was coming next and that she would need the burn of the alcohol.

"Failing this, I can be sued by them for a very sizeable sum." he continued.  
"What's all this gotta do with us, Castle?" asked Ryan.  
"I have a book tour coming up, which I have to go on." said Castle, finally, in a rush.

"When?" asked Beckett, her eyes on the swirling vodka in her hands.  
"That's the thing," said Castle, "I leave tomorrow."

"Castle, you can't be seriou-"  
"Are you kidding us, bro?"  
The voices of the Irish and Latino detectives climbed over each other as they both stood up from the couch.

Beckett still hadn't moved a muscle.  
"How long?" she asked, her tone flat.  
"A month. At least." said Castle, finally looking at her.  
She reeled just a little, like she had been punched in the gut, and for a moment, he thought she would fall off her perch. But then she steadied herself and straightened up.

The boys looked at their boss and then at each other, silently agreeing that now was not the time to take Castle to the cleaners, how much ever they wanted to.

"Look Castle, we're not overjoyed by how you sprung this on us, man. Not in the least. But you've got a job to do and so do we. So, see you after a month, yeah? C'mon Javi, I'll give you a ride back to yours." said Kevin evenly, as he passed Castle on his way out, pausing to wait for his partner. He seemed okay, but the look in the Irish detective's eyes told Castle that there were going to be consequences on his return.

"Not cool, bro." was all Espo said as he went to join his partner.  
Yep.. Definitely, hell to pay.

He turned his attention from the departing detectives to the motionless one in the room.  
"Beckett?" he called, gently.  
She started, as though coming out of a reverie.

"I-I'll see you in a month then, Castle," she said, attempting a bright smile, although it died a long way from her eyes.  
She raised her hand and gave him a half hearted wave, before rising from her seat to leave the office.

Castle felt the familiar tongues of anger lick at his feet again.  
"So that's it?" he asked her, his voice cold.  
Beckett froze in her tracks, her back to him.

"Do you even give half a crap about this, Kate, about our partnership? Or am I still the jackass you can't get rid of, the rich boy tag along who brings you good press? You know, I thought that I could at least call you my friend. But apparently, I seem to have been mistaken.  
Then again, that can be said for a lot of things, right now. 'Cause see you in a month, that's all you have to say?" he finished, his rage rising to new heights.

_Now she wasn't even being subtle about the fact that she didn't care about him. She was just happy to see him go. He should've known.  
_  
"What do you expect me to say, huh Castle?" Kate shot back, eyes blazing, as she finally turned to face him. "I don't seem to recall you asking for my permission before gallivanting off to the Hamptons with Gina for months. In fact, I remember you not bothering with even a single phone call long after you were back in town.  
I suppose I should thank my stars that at least this time we know when you will be back. And now, one day, you up and decide to be a jerk to me, to behave like we don't even know each other, like strangers on the street. And THEN you tell us you're going away for a month. Honestly, I don't know what you expect from me, Castle and I'm tired of trying to figure it out. So, bon voyage Castle. Have a WONDERFUL trip."

With that, she turned on her heel and strode out of the office angrily, leaving a still angrier Castle in her wake.

_What'd you expect, Rick?' he thought to himself, 'A heartfelt plea to stay? Please. She has made it plenty clear, hasn't she?  
_  
He would go, now, before he made a fool of himself any longer. He let himself out of his office, and walked out of the bar. In the cab, he finally relaxed a little, let his troubled mind drift to dinner with Alexis before he started his tour.

_Tomorrow would be a new beginning._

**_So, there we are... Do review and leave your thoughts and ideas._**

**_~Rey_**


	6. Chapter 6

***Pokes head around wall***

**If anybody is still reading this story, then I am really, really sorry. I know it's been a year, but life, 12****th**** grade and writer's block kinda got in the way.**

**This chapter is dedicated to **_**Pen to Paper Writer, **_**the very special reviewer who helped me overcome my writer's block, and get this chapter out.**

**Enjoy, and DO REVIEW, even if it's just a couple of words. I'd love to hear from you…**

**Once again, I'm really sorry for the delay. **

**Rey **

**Discaimer: Show's over. Never owned it, never will.**

_You can starve me for affection  
Till my soul's just skin and bone,  
And make the words "I'm sorry"  
Feel the same as throwing stones.  
In a room full of you,  
I might be standing all alone,  
But love don't die easy._

"Mr Castle! I'm your biggest fan! I love ALL of your books!"

Castle smiled at the twenty something brunette in front of him. Once upon a time, the smile would have been cocky, and a little flirty. But now, now it was just a publicity smile, which ended way before it even neared his eyes.

Two weeks into his book tour, and Castle was already sick of it all. Chicago, LA, DC, and now Boston, it was always the same routine on endless repeat. He appreciated his fans, he really did. Their support was what had gotten him here, and given him everything he had today.

But honestly, he was tired of the hackneyed lines from women looking to land a catch, and his signature was starting to look like the squiggles of a five-year-old.

"Great going Ricky, just half an hour more, and then you're off for the evening.", Paula whispered in his ear, her long nails digging into his shoulder.

Castle simply nodded, too exhausted to say anything. It had been a long two weeks for him.

He had thought the distance would help him forget about her, but it only made it worse. All he wanted to do was drink himself into blissful oblivion, but he reminded himself that he had responsibilities. Responsibilities which didn't go away just because of Beckett's betrayal. What would he say to Alexis if she called her father and found him drunk out of his mind?

So he had settled for tossing back a glass of scotch, and watching cable TV into the wee hours before heading off for his publicity event of the day. Lather, rinse, repeat.

_'I remember every second of it.'  
_  
Try as he might, Castle couldn't quite banish the echoes of her voice from the recesses of his mind. And every time it bounced around, it cut deeper, like a perverse game. How many times can you cut me open before I crumble to my knees. And he wasn't going to be able to hold out much longer.

Sighing quietly, he resigned himself to signing away the next 25 minutes, resisting the urge to check his watch constantly.

When Castle finally walked out of the bookstore, he noticed a small bar down the street. It seemed to be a quaint place, rather reminiscent of The Old Haunt.  
Deciding that he needed a little more than his usual glass of scotch today, Castle crossed the street and walked towards the bar.

The phone in pocket started vibrating just as he stepped onto the opposite curb. The screen showed the caller to be his mother.  
Slightly concerned, Castle answered the call.  
"Mother, what is it? Are you and Alexis okay?" he asked.  
"Yes, darling, we are absolutely perfect." came the diva's strong voice, "In fact, I was just calling to check up on you."

Pushing the bar door open, Castle frowned. "Me? What happened to me?"

"Katherine called, darling. She said she has been trying to call you, but you haven't answered, and we haven't heard from you since last week either." said Martha.

Perched on a barstool, Castle ordered himself a drink, his annoyance growing.

"Mother, you know what happened. She lied to my face for months, and she was only too happy when I left. We have nothing more to say to each other. Why would I pick up her calls?" He took a sip of his scotch before continuing, "As for speaking to you and Alexis, I had back to back events this week. I was planning on calling you tonight."

His mother was quiet for a second.  
"Well, alright darling, as long as you're okay. But speak to Katherine. Avoiding the issue doesn't make it go away."

"Mother, I'll call you every day if you like, but I don't want to talk to Ka-Beckett, are we clear? said Castle angrily.

"Okay, Richard. It's your decision." Castle could hear the resignation in her voice. "I'm just about to head out for a night on the town darling," she continued, in a more chipper tone, "Shall we talk tomorrow?"  
"Yes, mother, I'll call you tomorrow morning before my signing. Bye."

Sliding his phone back into his pocket, Castle downed the rest of his scotch in one gulp, savouring the burn. Why did she have to drag his mother into this?

_Damn you, Beckett_, he thought slamming his fist on the counter, making his empty glass rattle. Castle ordered himself another scotch, kneading his forehead with his fists.  
His mother was right. Deep down inside, he knew that he couldn't avoid Beckett forever. But he still burned, with rage, with hurt and sheer _embarrassment_.  
He threw back the second glass of scotch, before resting his aching head on the cool countertop.

"Hey."

Startled, Castle looked up, only to see a pretty brunette slide onto the stool next to him. "Hi." he replied, offering her a polite smile.  
She gestured to the bartender to get her a martini, then turned to Castle.

"Can I get you a drink?"

Castle sighed softly. The woman was not unattractive, with striking grey eyes and a sweet face. But he couldn't start anything up with anyone. Not even a one-night stand.  
It wouldn't be fair to lead someone on when he only had one woman on his mind and he had promised himself he wouldn't stoop so low as to seek meaningless sex as a balm for him wounds, tempting as it may be.  
So, he smiled again at the brunette, before shaking his head.

"It's very nice of you to offer, but I'm... involved with someone, so I'll have to decline." he said.

To his surprise, the brunette laughed.

"I have a girlfriend too, don't worry. You just look so sad that I thought a drink might cheer you up. So how about it?" she asked, raising one eyebrow.  
Rick nodded slowly. She seemed nice enough, and intelligent. Besides, the writer in him was always on the lookout for new characters.

"Sure, okay. Why not? But please, allow me to pay. I'm Rick, by the way, Rick Castle."  
"Elizabeth Morse, but please, call me Liz." replied the woman. She signaled to the bartender for fresh drinks before furrowing her brow. "Castle. As in the author?"

"On my better days," Rick said with a small smile.

Liz snapped her fingers, "I knew I'd seen you somewhere! I rather enjoy your books.." she said, as their drinks arrived.  
"Thanks," replied Castle simply. "I don't mean to be rude, but won't your girlfriend mind that you're here?"

Smiling, Liz shook her head, "Jen's in DC for work. So tell me Rick, why are you so unhappy?" she asked gently.

Castle hesitated. He had known this woman for only about ten minutes, after all. What if she was a journalist, and this ended up splashed across the pages of some sleazy tabloid?

Picking up on his hesitation, Liz took a sip of her martini before speaking, "Look, you don't have to tell me if you don't want to. But I promise, I'm not some reporter after a scoop, if that's what you're afraid of. I'm just a lowly yoga instructor." she said.

That took Castle by surprise. _Did she read my mind?_

"It's just that I find that talking about stuff helps, especially if it's to a complete stranger. After all, they don't know you, so they can't judge, right?" she finished, with a small grin.

Castle had many shortcomings, but being a poor judge of character wasn't one of them. Characters were, _literally_, his bread and butter, after all. This woman, with her twinkling eyes and open smile, hardly seemed malicious.  
And so, Castle found himself spilling his guts to a stranger, in a strange bar, in a strange city.

They spoke freely for a couple of hours, before parting ways with a promise to meet at the same place the next day.

Castle replayed the whole conversation in his mind on the way back to his hotel.  
Liz had been right, it was refreshing to talk to someone who didn't have an opinion, and didn't take a side.  
He loved his mother and Alexis to bits, but they always tried to give him advice when it came to Beckett. Ryan and Espo had recently taken to shooting him slightly accusing looks, like he was to blame for everything.  
In all that, he had forgotten what it was like to have someone to simply listen to him speak, without sermonising or chastising him.

The talk had given his thoughts some much needed clarity.  
He was in love with Beckett. She had known it for nine months, but had lied and said that she didn't. She still hasn't knowingly acknowledged her lie to him.

Knowing Kate as he did, he knew this could mean one of two things. Either Kate didn't feel the same, and had tried to let him down easy in order to save their partnership and their friendship.  
Or-a_nd this felt like wishful thinking_\- she had feelings for him too, but ran from it to hid behind her walls of steel, in typical Beckett fashion.

Either way, this had to end. He couldn't be hung up over this forever. He had to move forward.

Castle knew what he had to do next as he got out of the cab. Despite what he had said to his mother a few short hours ago, he had to talk to Beckett.  
A proper conversation, not their usual kind, wherein so much was left to subtext and innuendo.  
It would take some effort to set aside his anger and hurt, and to get Beckett to open up, but it had to be done.

Tomorrow. I'll call her tomorrow, after I get back from talking to Liz, he thought as he slid into his plush, king-sized bed.

That night, for the first time in weeks, Richard Castle slept soundly.

**There it is. Hope you liked it. **

**I felt that Castle needed to clear his head, get his thoughts straight, and from experience, I've found that talking to a random stranger really does help at times, hence Liz. **

**For those who missed Beckett in this chapter, fear not, she's going to be there plenty, come next chapter.**

**I've got a clear idea now, about where I want to take this story, so hopefully, if the writing gods are on my side, next chapter will be up soon.**

**Till then, REVIEW! Thanks for reading… :)**

**Rey**


	7. Chapter 7

**Hey everybody! First of all, a huge thank you to all those who reviewed! It was awesome to read what all of you had to say, and I hope to have your continued support for this story.  
Hope you enjoy this chapter too! READ AND REVIEW, folks!**

**DISCLAIMER: Not mine.**

_Saw your face in the crowd  
I call out your name  
You don't hear a sound  
I keep tracing your steps  
Each move that you make  
Wish I could read what goes through your mind  
Wish you could touch me with the colors of your life_

Detective Kate Beckett sat at her desk, staring intently at her phone. One ring, two rings... Seven rings, before her call went to voicemail.

It had been two weeks since Castle had left on his book tour. Every day since that conversation in the Old Haunt, she had tried to call him, and every day she had reached his voicemail. Frustrated, and with no open cases on hand to distract her, Beckett shoved her chair away from her desk. Shrugging on her jacket, she decided to take a trip to the morgue, to have a chat with Lanie.

"Girl, I don't know what you want to hear from me." said the ME, arranging her instruments on a tray.  
"Just... Lane, this is not the Castle I know. What the hell is going on with him?" exclaimed Kate, throwing up her hands towards the ceiling.  
Lanie sat down in a chair in front of the slab Beckett was seated on. Frowning, she looked at her best friend, "Kate, maybe he just needs a little space. I hate to say this, but maybe he's tired of waiting for you. Maybe he's trying to move on."

Kate had told Lanie about Castle's confession a few days ago. Needless to say, Lanie had been shocked, but she recovered fairly quickly with a shaky 'Girl imma _smack_ you.'

Beckett's eyes widened slightly.

"He wouldn't. Lane, he _can't_. Not now, when I'm so close..." she choked, burying her head in her hands. Lanie just rubbed her back sympathetically, not knowing how to comfort the detective. Kate straightened up after a moment, shaking her head.

"But that doesn't explain why he's not answering my calls, not even sending me so much as a text.  
The first couple of days, I convinced myself that he was probably busy. He is on a book tour, after all. But now I don't know what to think. Is he ignoring my calls as an extension of his weird behaviour before he left, or is he lying in a ditch somewhere, dead?" she trailed off, her voice breaking on the last word.

"Kate, stop thinking like that. Castle is just fine, nothing is gonna happen to him. But, for your satisfaction, why don't you call his mother to make sure?" suggested Lanie, trying to ease her worry.

Kate took a deep breath, before squaring her shoulders and hopping off the slab.

"You're right, Lanie. I'm probably overreacting." she said, sounding more like Detective Beckett now. Her concern still won over her pride, though.  
"I'm going to call Martha, just in case. Thanks Lane." she said, quickly hugging her friend before striding out of the morgue.

The ME looked up for a moment before resuming her work, sending a silent prayer to whatever powers were listening.

Kate speed dialled Castle's loft as she made her way back to the precinct.  
"Castle residence." came the answer after three rings.  
"Martha, hey, it's Kate."  
"Katherine darling, what can I do for you?"  
Kate frowned upon hearing the diva's response. Her tone was slightly cool, lacking her usual infectious warmth.  
"I-umm..." she stuttered, "Is Castle okay?" she blurted out.  
"Richard? Yes, I'm sure he's fine." replied Martha. "Why, is something wrong?" questioned Martha, concern creeping into her voice.  
Beckett immediately felt bad for worrying Martha like that.  
"Oh, no, Martha, nothing like that." she assured the older woman, sounding sheepish. "This might sound silly, but, well, I've been trying to call Castle for days now, but he hasn't answered any of my calls, and I was worried something might have happened to him." replied Beckett, her words rushing into each other towards the end.

There was silence on the other end. When Martha finally spoke, she didn't sound worried anymore, but her voice was heavy with something Kate couldn't quite discern. Sorrow? Regret?

"Yes, I see. Katherine, I'm sure Richard has his reasons for not contacting you. He will reach out to you when he is ready." replied Martha. "Nevertheless, I will pass on your concern to him when I speak with him." finished the thespian.

Thanking Martha and ending the call, Beckett let out a frustrated growl.

Castle's mother definitely knew more than she was saying, and this made two people telling her, directly or otherwise, to back off and give Castle some space.

Beckett reached the precinct gym, quickly changed into her workout clothes and slammed her locker door shut.

As she pounded the punching bag, Kate thought back to all the times Castle had pushed her. Every time she'd tried to pull away, he'd been right there, prodding her and pestering her in an effort to get her to open up to him. Never once had he walked away from her when something troubled her. He'd stood by her on the worst days, helping her weather the storms.

So why should let him pull away now? If she was the source of this chasm between them, then it was her responsibility to go to him, to pursue the issue until the chasm was bridged, and things went back to normal.  
Beckett stopped the bag with her hands. That's it. She would just go to him, sort things out face to face, where he couldn't avoid her, couldn't run away.

Only problem was, she had no idea which city he was in, or where he would be going next.

A quick shower and a change of clothes later, Beckett knocked on the door of Captain Gates' office.  
"Come in."  
Kate walked in and stood before Gates, fidgeting with the badge on her belt.  
"Yes, detective?"  
"Sir, since we have no active cases, I would like to have permission to take the next couple of days off." said Beckett.  
"May I enquire as to the reason behind this sudden request, detective?" asked Gates, raising an eyebrow.

"I'd like to visit my father, sir, spend some time with him. He's not keeping so well." Kate lied with a completely straight face.  
"I'm sorry to hear that detective. Well, you have accumulated nearly three months of paid leave, so I don't see why we can't give you the weekend, and Monday, off." said the Captain, returning to her paperwork.

Beckett hadn't expected this to be quite so easy, but she took the win.

"Thank you, sir." she said, before exiting the office. Victoria Gates looked up at the door once it shut behind the detective. "Sick father, my ass." she muttered to herself, snorting in a very un-ladylike manner.

Emerging into the bullpen, Beckett walked over to her desk and quickly packed up her stuff. When she was all set, she looked around for Ryan and Espo, but the boys were nowhere to be found.  
_Probably gone for a cheeseburger_, she thought to herself. Grabbing a Post-It pad, she scribbled a message to them before removing the paper and sticking it to Espo's monitor.

_'I'm leaving for the day. I've taken time off till Monday. See you boys Tuesday.  
KB'_

Letting herself into her apartment, Beckett changed and made herself a strong cup of coffee before settling on her couch, phone in hand. She scrolled through her contacts before she found the one she needed. Hitting the call button, she took a sip of her coffee as the phone rang.

"Black Pawn Publishing. This is Gina Cowell." came the publisher's voice through the phone.

Ever since that fateful summer when Castle had left her to go to the Hamptons with Gina, Kate had taken a slight disliking to the blonde. Okay, maybe not so slight. She would have preferred to speak to Paula, but she knew that the publicist usually travelled with Castle, and the last thing she wanted was Castle to get wind of her plans.

"Gina, hi, it's Detective Kate Beckett."

"Detective Beckett, what a surprise… I think you'll be happy to hear that _Heat Rises _has been doing extremely well, especially since Rick started his book tour."  
"That's great, Gina. Congratulations." She tried her best to summon up the appropriate level of enthusiasm, but her voice sounded flat, even to her own ears.

Gina must have picked up on it as well. "But I'm sure you didn't call me to find out about book sales. So, what can I do for you, detective?"  
The slight condescension in the way the publisher spoke the word 'detective' raised Kate's hackles, but she suppressed her annoyance. _Now is not the time for that, _she reminded herself.

"Actually, Gina, my Captain wants Castle's book tour itinerary, for some reason. I was wondering if you would be able to mail it to me?"

Kate couldn't think of a plausible reason for wanting Castle's itinerary, but she hoped that making it seem like a request from her superior would be enough to convince Gina to oblige her without asking too many questions.

There was a pause for a moment on the other end, before Gina's voice came back, cool and crisp as ever.

"Of course, Detective Beckett, that shouldn't be a problem at all. I'll have my assistant send the itinerary over to you within the hour."

Kate silently thanked her lucky stars, before thanking the publisher out loud, and ending the call.  
She stared at her phone as she drank the rest of her rapidly cooling coffee, willing the e-mail notification to pop up on the screen. As soon as it came, she snatched up the phone, scrolling hastily through his itinerary until she reached that day's schedule.

_Boston. He's in Boston, and he's gonna be there till noon on the day after._

As she booted her laptop, Kate's fingers tapped against the keys, belying the nervous energy that filled her.  
Half an hour later, she shut the laptop with a determined click, having booked the first flight into Logan he next morning. Gina's itinerary had also given her the name of Castle's hotel, enabling her to book herself into a smaller hotel a couple of blocks from his.

Kate made a quick call to her father to let him know that she would be out of town for the next couple of days. She could almost hear Jim raise his eyebrows when she told him to pretend to be sick in the off chance that anyone from the precinct called.

"Katie, what's going on? Is everything okay? Don't get me wrong, I'm glad you're finally taking time off, but why are you lying about it?" he asked, concerned.  
"Yeah, dad, everything is fine." assured Kate, running a hand across her brow.  
"Katie... Tell me the truth." said Jim, gently.

His words reminded Kate of her teenage years, and the times she'd snuck out with Maddie or her boyfriend. When she got home, her dad would be waiting for her, arms crossed over his chest and a stern expression on his face, while her mother tried and failed to suppress a grin.  
Each time, that was how his interrogation would start.

The memory filled Kate's eyes with tears. "It's Castle, dad... He's not been the same recently." she began shakily. Half an hour later, she had spilled her guts to her father, telling him everything that happened, from that day at the cemetery to the fight at the Old Haunt.  
"Oh, Katie, honey, you go put this right, right now." said Jim, when she finished. "After your mother died, you stopped smiling, stopped enjoying your life, until Rick came along. That man is the best thing that happened to you since then, baby, so you tell him how you feel, and don't let him go." he finished.

Kate gave a watery chuckle. "Yeah, dad, that's the plan. I love you."  
"Love you too, honey. Now go get your man!" exclaimed Jim, before hanging up.

Tossing her phone aside, Kate spent the next hour packing a small duffel with essentials to last her two days, before getting into bed. For the first time in weeks, she felt the knot in her stomach start to loosen.

Hopefully, the next 48 hours would see her and Castle's rift mended, and order restored to her universe.

**Please review!**


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